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Anyone who has watched an episode of Gilmore Girls might long for a close mother-daughter relationship like the one Lorelai and Rory have. Phoning each other several times a day, hanging out and enjoying each other’s company, sharing clothes and dating tips might sound fun, but in reality, that type of relationship is fraught with problems and can be harmful for both mother and daughter. A strong mother-daughter relationship is built on trust, love, and mutual respect, but it is not the same as friendship.
First, let’s define what constitutes a healthy friendship. A true friendship is a voluntary relationship between equal parties who trust one another, confide in each other, and have each other’s back. In other words, friends are on the same level.
Family relationships, on the other hand, are inherently hierarchical. Although a healthy mother-daughter relationship embodies trust and open communication, they should never be on the same level. The mother must be above her daughter in the family pecking order. She needs to provide her daughter with guidance and security while setting rules and boundaries. The daughter, in turn, learns valuable life lessons and develops skills that will allow her to successfully navigate the world on her own. Blurring these lines crosses several unhealthy boundaries.
Why being your daughter’s best friend is not a good idea.
- Traditional hierarchy matters. That’s the hidden strength in a family structure. It might sound old-fashioned, but a mother must rank higher than her daughter. When a mother and daughter are “best friends,” that important hierarchy crumbles. The result is a confused relationship that denies the daughter the rules, structure, and security she needs.
- Unhealthy competition. Thanks to healthier gym habits and cosmetic enhancements, many mothers look strikingly close to their daughter’s age. At a time when there is so much societal pressure to stay young, it’s tempting for a mother to want to act younger than her chronological age, which can muddle the mother-daughter roles.
- Missing element. Feeling youthful is not a bad thing, but a mother’s friendship with her daughter could be a substitute for something that’s missing in her own life. Is she consciously or unconsciously living vicariously through her daughter? Does she feel the need to relive her glory days? “Helicopter moms” especially might feel lost without their daughter’s company. Once children grow and leave the nest, some mothers have a hard time with the fact that their child no longer “needs” them to survive. Having a daughter that involves them in their lives may make them feel wanted.
- Daughters need guidance from their mothers. With the prevalence of social media pressures, body dysmorphia, bullying, and pressure to take drugs and have sex at an increasingly earlier age, it’s imperative for a mother to have the strength and courage to be moms. Being a mom is not for the faint of heart. More than ever, daughters need maternal guidance just to get through the day. They don’t need a bestie. They need a mom they can count on. There’s something to be said for having lived a number of years. You have significant knowledge that can only have been gained by life experiences.
Why a healthy mother-daughter relationship matters
Healthy relationships between mothers and daughters strike a balance. They are loving, respectful, and supportive, yet still maintain clear role boundaries. By not being afraid to be moms, they can be that all-important rock for their daughters. These are tough times. Daughters need to know they have a mother they can trust who will listen to them, provide a safe environment, and offer guidance as they mature. This type of mother-daughter relationship respects the necessary hierarchy while teaching the daughter to learn to set boundaries for themselves, respect authority, and develop confidence in their independence.
What to do if you realize your daughter is your best friend?
Again, it’s okay to have a close relationship with your daughter, but you must maintain a separation. Ask yourself, are you using this relationship to avoid responsibility? Is a best friend relationship with your daughter keeping you from living your own life? Does the relationship with your daughter hinder your personal growth or hers? Taking an honest look at the relationship you have with your daughter will allow you to make changes that benefit you both.
I am strong because a strong woman raised me.
— Jocelyn Kelly
