In my many years of practice, I have encountered parents who told me how frustrated they are with their children’s bad behavior. They tell me that their child doesn’t listen. They tell me that they don’t understand how their own parents got them to behave, sometimes without even raising their voices. One woman told me that her mother would just give her a look, and she and her siblings knew they had to “toe the line.”
So, what happened? In one generation, parents seem to have lost all control of their children’s behavior. Is social media to blame? Or are parents these days trying too hard to be the “cool” parents and their child’s best friend? What should a parent do when their child won’t listen to them or respect them?
Parenting is hard work
As your children mature and grow more independent, you might feel the need to be more connected with them. You may think if you act like their best friend that your child will include you in everything that’s going on in their lives. But is being their best friend what they need? Absolutely not.
What your child needs from day one is a parent who will nurture them, guide them, and teach them. Your job is to set the rules and steer the family ship so to speak. I know what some of you are thinking. I want my child to like me. That’s natural. But there is a solid line that needs to be drawn between you and your child.
Your child depends on you for so much—much more than you being their best friend. For one thing, you are the first line of defense against the outside world. This includes being responsible for their mental and physical well-being. You are their first therapist. You are their moral compass. It’s not always easy being the one who sets boundaries, but that’s your job as a parent. Here’s the thing, setting boundaries and rules gives your child a sense of security and helps them understand limits. This also teaches them important life lessons such as consequences for one’s actions. They will become adults in the blink of an eye. And they will learn out in the world that there are consequences. It’s much better for them to learn that from you under your guidance before they reach adulthood.
The negative effects of social media
Studies have shown two-thirds of parents in the U.S. say that parenting is harder today than it was 20 years ago, and social media is the reason. There are many things I can say about social media and how it has negatively affected families. Beyond the horrors of body dysmorphia, for girls especially, when your child is constantly on their phone scrolling through social media, they aren’t learning important in-person communication skills such as listening and understanding verbal and nonverbal messages.
In a variety of ways, social media can harm a child’s mental health. It’s not just social media. Having a television in the child’s bedroom predicts lower levels of emotional understanding. Gaming has been associated with lower levels of emotional understanding in boys.
Given how integral social media may be in your child’s life, how do you begin to pry your children away from the screen? It’s not too late to set boundaries on your child’s social media consumption. This isn’t to say they need to stop cold turkey, but you as the parent need to take control of your child’s screen time and that includes restricting access to certain websites.
Kids need playtime
When was the last time your child came home from school and just played in the backyard? It’s good to encourage other activities besides screen time, however, it’s not uncommon for kids to be over-scheduled in their extracurricular activities. While some after-school activities can help kids get into college, too many can lead to poorer grades. Too many activities can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. They may tell you sports or music lessons or academic clubs are fun, but there’s something to be said for unstructured time.
Play is necessary for your child’s mental health and development. It encourages creativity, imagination, problem-solving, and cooperation. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, play contributes to a child’s cognitive, social, physical, and emotional well-being. In fact, play is so essential for a child’s optimal development that it has been recognized by the United Nations High Commission for Human Rights as a right of every child.
Unstructured play also allows your child’s mind and body to unwind which can lead to better sleep. As a way to limit your child’s extracurricular activities, allow them to pick one or two activities to do per season as long as it doesn’t interfere with dinnertime or weekend activities. The rest of the time, have them spend time outdoors with their friends. Spend time together as a family in the evening. Encourage your child to read a book—read a book together.
Beware of oversharing
Remember that solid line between you and your child. You are the parent. Your child is not your confidant. While a one-off comment about your bad day won’t affect your child, continually sharing your problems, financial troubles, or relationship woes can be damaging to your child’s long-term emotional well-being.
Parentification is a term used to describe the lack of boundaries some parents have with their children. Regularly talking about your problems as though your child is a peer or therapist forces the child into the role of parent or surrogate spouse. When you overshare with your child and lean on them for emotional support, that can create a dynamic where your child feels responsible for your happiness rather than the other way around. This could lead to them having a difficult time developing healthy emotional regulation skills as they may suppress their own needs to prioritize your feelings.
have shown that the effects of parentification can be long-lasting and multi-generational. Researchers found children who experienced early parentification were more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and substance abuse as adults.
Don’t be afraid to parent
It’s not easy being a parent, but that’s your job. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s hard to hear your child say things like, “You are the worst parent.” “I hate you.” “My friend’s parents are so much better than you.” When you hear statements like this, you might be tempted to think you’re doing something wrong. Parenting is hard work, but your child needs you to be the parent, even when it’s unpleasant and downright ugly. As long as you are providing your child with a sense of safety, physical and emotional well-being, and clear and fair boundaries, your child will understand when they get older what you were doing to teach them to be healthy, respectful, and responsible adults.
If you struggle with the pressures of parenting and find that you have a hard time communicating with your child and don’t know what to do, please reach out to us. At Wallace Family Therapy, we are trained to provide the most effective treatment that meets your individual needs and challenges. We’re here to help you.
